Ambiguity
by gleekymcgrey
Summary: Kate Beckett is a New York Times Best-Selling Author. But she'd always felt that something was missing-Richard Castle is missing. He existed only in the steady beat of her heart, and in the every corner of her troubled mind. And coming home is a choice Castle isn't willing to make. /Read/Rate/Review/T for possible violence
1. Chapter 1

It took her a long time to admit her feelings to herself. A longer time to finally realize she wanted him there. And when she did, he disappeared into the horizon, without a single peck of a trace. The long, uncertain wait was mortifying. Everywhere she looked, he wasn't there. He existed only in the steady beat of her heart, and in the every corner of her troubled mind. Four months had passed, and even with hers and her team's best efforts, they weren't close to finding _where Richard Castle was. _Time had gone for so long, that her fears started to get to her. A couple of what ifs would flood her mind at night, rendering Kate unable to submit herself for a much needed sleep.

Alexis and Martha would visit the precinct nonstop, hoping for the one lead that didn't seem to come.

And then a year passed. And another…and another…

_Richard Castle was gone…forever._

**-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-**

Kate looked to the mirror, and saw a very different woman looking back at her. She still couldn't believe she had become this person. In a matter of a very short time, she turned from an NYPD cop to a best-selling crime novelist. She most often chuckled at the idea. It was like a dream. As bittersweet as it was, she didn't want to wake up.

She twirled her recently styled hair, and trailed her fingers on the smooth satin cloth of her blue cocktail dress. Lanie was right. Pearls did look good on her. She gripped on her matching purse, and turned her matching heels to the direction of the ballroom. The towering double doors with enigmatic carvings opened for her—and into the big crowd, she went. For the first time in a long time, she felt like a princess.

The crowd joined their hands for an applause that was meant solely for her. Kate smiled wide, and waved her hands. Friends, family—and to her surprise—her fan club, all gathered in the event, for the purpose of hailing the new queen of crime novels, Katherine Beckett, or in the literary world—Nikki Heat. Once she had dealt with the long parade of 'hellos', she redirected to the table her friends had previously instructed her to go.

"Hey guys," she beamed at them. Her friends from the precinct, Lanie, Martha, and her father all sat in the same table, made even more elegant with sophisticated cloth and pins.

Lanie exclaimed, "Kate! Oh look at you, you're a darling,"

"Thanks," she said softly, and looked to her father's eyes. "Glad you made it, dad,"

Jim got to his feet, and rounded the table to give his daughter a peck on the cheek. "Why, of course Katie. This is huge!" he held on to her hand and twirled Kate gently. She felt like six again, where she and her father danced in their slow music collection. "Your mother would've been proud," he says, holding a sob somewhere deep inside him.

Kate nods, and takes the seat in between Jim and Martha. "I know," she added, ad kept the rest to herself. _Castle would've been proud. _

A lot had changed since that uneventful summer when Castle went missing. Four years had passed, and still, she had no idea where he went, or who took him, or why he had not come back, or if he is still alive. The thought of it still sent painful pricks to her chest. She lost interest in being a cop. All those years, she realized that having Castle was one of the little things that were keeping her whole. Writing a book under his legacy seemed to be the only comfort she could get. Initially, she had wanted to keep her book to herself. But when the opportunity presented itself, she felt elated about it. Apparently, the idea of having _Nikki Heat _as a writer was deemed interesting by the publishers.

So she let on, and sold thousands of copies on the first day. Sales doubled by the end of the week, and by fall, she became a world-renowned New York Times Best-Selling Author. It was all a haze, a sudden shift of life—crazy, even.

"Hey, this just in…"—Lanie shushes us and holds her iPhone high,"…from _Barnes & Nobles, 'Always' _by Det. Katherine Beckett rises to No. 1, Mystery & Crime Section," In a second, they were cheering over the newfound success. It didn't take long for the Master of the Ceremony to hear about the news and announce it. And there came the longest round of applause she ever got in her entire life. It was longer than when she won the Spelling Bee in grade school, or when she graduated from the Academy.

"Come on here, Miss Beckett," Dale, the emcee's name, assisted her on her way to the center of the hall. "Congratulations!" he exclaimed, as if her success was his own. And then he proceeded by handing over the microphone to Kate. "…we'd love to hear something…" he said in a hushed voice.

Kate plastered a wide grin on her face. She wouldn't deny it. The feeling was making her feel giddy. "I'd like to thank all of you for being here tonight," The crowd went wild. Especially the far corner where her fans were seated. "To my friends at the precinct, Lanie, Javi and Kevin—I love you all." Then her eyes darted to his father, "Daddy, I love you. Thank you for being here,"—and there was one person left.

She recomposed herself, prepared a message that wouldn't sound like an offer to a dead person. Just when she felt ready, she opened her mouth. "And for…" she never would have thought it, but her voice cracked without her knowing. The audience went quiet in a snap of a finger. They knew all too well who she was referring to. Kate cleared her throat. "…for Castle. I owe it all to him. Everything—this book, my new career, and for what I am today. You were the best partner anyone could have asked for," one moment she was in control, the next, her eyes were brimming with tears. She descended the stairs, a slow, sympathetic clap in the background.

Kate couldn't have guessed Castle would have this effect on her.

Despite the overwhelming praise—she felt unease. She longed for something—someone—else. Her heart ached for a glimpse of the man she didn't know she'd learn to love so deeply. And she slapped herself every time for realizing that only now.

She longed for _Richard Castle. _

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Hey guys! So that's the first chapter. There's moooooore to come. Rate and review, please? I'd love to hear from you whether it's a heartfelt compliment or a badass criticism. I'll take them all. :)

I have included the second chapter to give you guys a little bit more to start from.

Happy season five!

**P.S. Yes, I am writing from the dead. Have you seen the freaking spoilers? **


	2. Chapter 2

_The cold breeze brushed her hair. The waves rolled in the background, and the world was far, far away. There was only she and him in the scenic ocean, running in circles. Her giggles filled the air, as his strong arms took her in a playful piggy back ride, and they ran towards the raging waters. _

Kate woke up. A smile crept on her face. Those blissful moments in the morning, were the same moments that haunted her all day. Her mind would rewind to that time where she was just another NYPD cop with a writer as her partner. And then all the horror swoops back in, reminding her that she was now a different person, and the partner she had learned to love was long, long gone. It was true what they said, _you'll never know what you had until it's gone. _So she sat up, and ran her fingers through her hair. His touch still lingered. Day after day, her dreams became more vivid and even harder to let go of. Today she'd be in a plane to Los Angeles, where a book party had been scheduled.

A knock came to her door. She remained still. Rachel, her P.A. had the keys to her high-rise apartment, and in a matter of seconds, she was hurrying to Kate's bedroom. "Good morning,"

Kate manages a small smile. "Hey, good morning," she grinned at the sight of Rachel. She was small, about only five feet and three inches, with wavy, kempt hair, wide green eyes and small lips. Even so, she had been proven to be quick and reliable.

"Are you all set up? We'll be leaving in two hours," she says. "...we're flying first class,"

Kate nodded. "Cool." The last time she flew first class, Castle had to pull her off of Coach when he followed her to L.A. No more cramped up seats. "I'll just take a shower then we're off to go,"

After a quick bath, she changed herself into a pair of white shirt and jeans, underneath a pricey trench coat she snagged from Burberry. Lanie once said that Rachel looked more 'fab' than her and that she should probably rid of the laidback button downs that occupied her closet. A fancy, teal coat for starters. She blow dried her hair and applied some unnecessary product. Kate never believed in hair care products, being born with such lovely and naturally silky brown locks. Then she called the precinct. Ever since the whole writing happened, she queued in more and more leaves than she did in her whole life as a cop before.

"We're good to go, Rachel," she called from across the room, where her P.A. indulged herself in Kate's chocolate stocks. "You can take some for the trip," she said. The chocolates came from the gifts and fan mails she received over the course of her minor fame. Rachel beamed, and grabbed a few Snickers bars and put it in her purse.

"You need help with your stuffs, Ms. Beckett?"

"Please, call me Kate," she insisted. "…I can handle this,"

They descended the sixteen floors of her building, and dragged her Louis Vuitton suitcase behind. Again, Lanie persuaded her in buying fancy suitcases. It adds up to the image, she says. With the money rolling in, Beckett agreed.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

The first two days in Los Angeles seemed to be the longest days of her life. They had been to seven bookstores, spending four hours each to cater fans. The line didn't seem to shorten. Teenagers to adults, they all lined up for her book. _"I am so in love with Nikki and Rook,"_ one sixteen-year old said. Her book was eighty percent romance, the remainder of which being crime. Four years of working with Castle, she thought he was the only one gaining experience. When Kate first keyed in the words, the moments they shared all flooded in, and she absentmindedly put words to her thoughts, and now drawing all kinds of people.

Finally, after what seemed to be the longest line in history, they called it a day. Kate begrudgingly took the spacious elevator to her suite, worn out from the day's work. Endless smiles and _'nice too meet you'_, or _'thank you'_ really got the best of her. She admired Castle for maintaining such a calm and cool front. She didn't mind ordering room service. The last real food she had was for breakfast, and lunch was not the best idea when you have a hundred people waiting on you. But even the slightest work applied on pushing a button for the restaurant seemed like a heavy chore. The moment she laid sight on the king-sized bed, she surrendered to the strong urge of crashing.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

_**Toronto, Canada.**_

"Martini on the rocks," he ordered to the young barkeep, whose hair never seemed to be in place. By the looks of it, she was only sixteen or seventeen. Most girls her age would be partying every night, wasting their parent's hard-earned money. But not 'Sam'—that's what her name plate said. "Thanks, Sam,"

"You have a good alcohol tolerance, Mr. Capps," Taylor Capps. It was ridiculous. Four years in Toronto living as a lowly waiter with a ridiculous name. He grunted every time he heard it. "Capps," he found himself repeating after the girl. Richard Castle was off the grid…forever. No more celebrity status. Apparently, not a lot of Canadians knew who he was.

He shrugged. "Aren't you too young to be working?"

Sam smirked. "Nobody's too young to be working. Some just make it as an excuse to be lazy," she said as-a-matter-of-factly. And in some ways, she was right. "Well, I'm going to college in two years, and my parents couldn't even afford a dorm. I have to work all night to keep myself from being a bartender forever,"

"Good thinking," Castle said.

"I'm working two jobs. I work for the school canteen on daytime," she proudly said. She reminded him so much of Alexis. If Castle hadn't been blessed with the money to push his daughter through school, he knew she'd have done the same thing as Sam. "…the other kids mock me and all. Most of them are rich—like millionaire rich. And so they laugh for sorry _Samuelle Briggs_ serving meals at the canteen. I don't care. I'm earning, so whatever. And then I have this job during the night. I have 4:00-12:00mn shift,"

"How do you find time for studying?"

She gave a sideways glance, and held her hand close to her mouth, and said in a low, whispering voice, "Photographic memory. I'm gonna be a surgeon, Mr. Capps,"

He smiled in return. Deep inside, his heart ached. It had been four years since he last saw Alexis; or his mother; or Kate. He had constant contact with the other two, but zero from the latter. But three-minute sneaky calls made to New York were not the life he wanted for himself. _"Come home, dad. You don't have to do this,"_ Alexis repeatedly said to him. And he would constantly reply, _"I'm keeping someone else's life safe, darling," _and she would shot back, "_By ruining your own?!" _

Martha would make side bits about how she didn't want him to look away from his good life, saying "_There's always another way, kiddo,"_, referring to keeping Kate alive. He wished his mother were right. He wished he could use his properties and fame to keep Kate Beckett alive. _But there was no other way. _So he would reply reassuringly, _"Staying away is the best comfort I get. I know they won't touch her. __**This is where I stand,**__"_

It was the argument they kept on having, over and over again. If only coming home was easy. If only he could live with his mother again in his loft. If only he could work with Kate again. Bring her coffee every morning again. Drive her crazy and do paperwork with her again. _Watch her lovely, maddening smile again._

But it was never easy.

Living in solitude, leaving behind all the people he loved and cared for…_was never easy. _Every morning, he'd wake up, a part of him chipped away little by little. Castle feared that one day when he'll look at the mirror, and see a completely different person looking back at him.

"Another glass, Mr. Capps?" Sam broke him out of the thoughts that were slowly suffocating him. She struggled with a pile of US WEEKLY magazines, worn out from the week's use.

"Yes, please," he said with a gesture. And that's when he saw it, a roll of paper tucked in between Sam's shoulder and abdomen. A crumpled headline that read '_Nikki Heat'. _"Hey, is that from the U.S.?"

"Yes," Sam said, and handed him the issue, "Help yourself,"

"Kate?!"

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Hello there! I hope you like it.

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Drop a review and make my day. Thank you for checking out my story. :)


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